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Why Do You Love Me? The Truth Behind Relationship Anxiety & Insecurities

April 10th, 2020

“I was feeling insecure you might not love me anymore.” - John Lennon

What is Love?

L-O-V-E, we all know how to spell it. But what really is love and why are we all on a journey to find it? Love is a feeling of deep affection. This deep affection can be directed towards an interest, place, pet, but most typically an individual. These individuals might include family members such as a parent, sibling, your children, or extended family. But love can also most definitely be directed towards a romantic partner.

Familial Love:

  • Platonic
  • Generally unconditional love
  • The type of love that is always there
  • We can always call upon these people for reliant support and friendship
  • Often time born into this love

Romantic Love:

  • Quite different than platonic love
  • An intimate and passionate relationship that requires commitment
  • Can turn complicated

Where familial love is generally something that we are born into and is a given, romantic love is something we seek out. It is hard to come by a healthy, romantic, and loving relationship. Because of this factor, humans embark themselves on a journey, sometimes a lifelong journey to seek out true love. Along the way, we tend to question the love the find. This can lead to some mental health concerns.

Constant Questioning

When we are looking for love and then find it, we tend to question it. Ironic or part of human nature? Within relationships, our emotions run high and it becomes only part of our human makeup that we begin to wonder about varying aspects about the relationship we have sought. We can develop relationship insecurities and anxiety.

Why do we question our relationship?

We tend to question our relationships for a variety of reasons. Some of these reasons include:

  • Insecurities
    • About ourselves
    • About our partners
    • About our desires and goals in life
    • Jealous tendencies
  • Communication
    • Miscommunication
      • Spoken communication & virtual communication (texting and emailing) can lead to arguments and misinformation
    • Lack of communication
      • When one or both partners avoid confrontation
  • Trust
  • Partner dependency
  • Fear of disappointing your partner
  • Fear of not being or doing enough for your partner

Why do we question ourselves?

Humans may question themselves, especially when they are involved in a relationship, because they are concerned about how they are perceived by their partner. The types of things we may question about ourselves include our appearance, our reactions, and our beliefs.

Why do we question why we are loved?

Sadly, even when we put on the best version of ourselves we still do not believe we are enough. This can turn into questioning why others love us. Some reasons we may question if our partner loves us is because of:

  • Past relationships
  • Physical appearance insecurities
  • Poor communication skills

Social Anxiety Disorder

All of the questioning we spend our time worrying about in relationships can stem from a silent disorder, social anxiety disorder. According to, “one of the most central aspects of human life is having close relationships - particularly romantic relationships. Social anxiety is associated with difficulty forming and maintaining close relationships”. It is clear that suffering from social anxiety can be a defining factor in relationship troubles, worries, and ultimate fallouts.

Anxieties About Love

The constant sense of questioning and insecurities that we may experience in our romantic relationships are essentially due to anxiety. The worry, fear, and concern that can develop from our insecurities can have lasting effects on our relationship. This can then create anxiety about how your anxieties may affect your partner’s perception of wanting to stay in the relationship.

Depressing Love

If a relationship falls apart due to your anxieties surrounding your relationship it could then put a damper on your overall mood and personality. Dealing with the anger, guilt, frustration, and sadness due to a failed relationship can be difficult. It is important to seek help if you are suffering from depression due to a break up or divorce.

Why It’s Important Not to Question

As we know, questioning your relationship, suffering from constant anxiety, your partner, and your self worthiness of love are not healthy, for anyone or anything. It is critical to seek out healthy means in order to maintain a healthy and successful relationship. When we are able to define the ways in which we can rid ourselves of our anxieties and learn to trust our partner’s love for ourselves, then both you and your relationship can thrive.

4 Ways to Build Confidence in Your Relationship

  1. Acknowledge your value within the relationship
  2. Work on your own self-esteem
    1. Do things to better your self-health which will make you feel better about yourself
      1. Exercise
      2. Eat right
      3. Meditate
  3. Maintain your independence
    1. Stay rooted in your beliefs
    2. Keep your friends and family close by
    3. Continue doing what you enjoy (hobbies, activities, etc.)
  4. Letting go of the past
    1. Move on from any past negative emotions and experiences associated with previous relationships
    2. Do not be afraid to reach out for professional help
  5. Remind yourself that you deserve to be loved!

You Deserve Love

When we are dealing with personal insecurities, they affect our lives, both personally and professionally. It is inevitable that these insecurities are bound to affect our relationships and make us question why we are loved. Regardless of how these insecurities are perceived by our partner, they can have some long term effects on our mental health if they are not dealt with. It is important to remind yourself that you deserve love: to give love and to be loved.

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